I guess I was born to write erotic poetry.
I decided I wanted to be a writer when I was 6 years old. I was just learning to read and write at that time. I loved the thought of being able to express all the vast richness of my inner experience, all the beauty, all the mystery. I had memorized the names of the authors of my favorite children’s books and they were my heroes. Writing was considered a glorious achievement in the bookish, intellectual environment that I grew up in (near a famous university).
I kept little diaries as a child, making entries every once in awhile, whenever the whim struck me, mostly mundane tales about the day’s events or an overwrought description of some place that I had visited. However these tepid entries bored me; what I longed to write about was the thing that was most interesting in my life: my crushes on boys, the consuming passion around which my days revolved.
But I was scared to give voice to this subject, as I considered it so taboo. My desirous feelings, my vulnerability, my sensuality, all seemed too private and shameful a secret to openly divulge. I worried that my mother might discover my diaries and read them. Dating, sexuality and romance was an uncomfortable topic in my family. It was not really discussed, or if it was, it was accompanied by an embarrassed giggle. I think it was not regarded as wrong so much as simply uncomfortable.
When I was in high school I fell in love for the first time, lost my virginity, and I also wrote my first poems, which were published in a high school journal. One was inspired by my first lover. It contained some references to things that were meaningful for me in that relationship, some details from nights we had spent together, but it was still vague and allusive, only indirectly romantic. My mother was impressed with the poem, as were the teachers who published it.
When I was in college in New York, I wrote a poem for one of my writing classes. This one was inspired by a moment in the summer when I was swimming in a lake and the guy that I had a crush on at the time appeared on the beach (looking hot in his swimsuit!), but did not see me. I had been deliberately vague about the emotional content; the poem had what I thought were oblique references to my desirous feelings. And yet my teacher enthusiastically analyzed the poem at length in front of the whole class as an erotic poem. Apparently it was full of erotic metaphors that even I was not aware of!
I was very unsophisticated at that time when it came to sexuality. I had only had one boyfriend. I liked sex with him sometimes, but mostly just kissing and making out was appealing to me, not the sex act itself. I had not yet figured out how to have an orgasm during sex. Sometimes with him I would wish sex could just be over already as I didn’t know how to make it more pleasurable for me. He got interested in porn and wanted to experiment with different things yet I found that all unpleasant and degrading, a little scary. I had been masturbating since I was a little girl and I liked that, but I considered it almost irrelevant to sex with a partner. I felt that was my own thing, between me and The Gods alone.
It was many years and a handful of boyfriends later when I really started to become comfortable with sex. With one caring, accepting partner I felt brave enough to touch myself during sex the way that I did when I masturbated; lo and behold I was able to cum with him inside me. That was a watershed moment for me. I think too many women never feel safe enough to allow themselves the space to find what it is that will make sex truly pleasurable for them. Often they feel pressured by various sources, religion, society, their partner, etc. for things to be a certain way. From my experience, I would say that first you have to know how to give yourself pleasure, then you have to be willing to share that with your partner, and you may be surprised by the outcome.
It was only after I moved to California a couple of years ago that I met my current lover, the inspiration for many of my poems. With him I got to experience sex in a way that was far beyond what I ever could before. I had always dreamt, like I think many people do, of one day having really fantastic mind-blowing passionate sex. Sex I had before had been good, nice, pleasant. But something about the chemistry between me and this guy is so right that our sex has always been phenomenal, from the very first time. It is creative, fun, intense, emotional. And with time it only keeps getting better.
Not long after I first met this lover, after only a few months had passed, I thought (erroneously it turned out) that the relationship was over. I was sad, grieving my loss, and still wanting to be with him again at the same time. I was walking around San Francisco, feeling all those powerful feelings, and suddenly a poem appeared on the horizon of my mind. I could perceive the shape of it, the way you can sense the rain hidden in the clouds, and I was shocked because this was a sexually explicit poem. I was shocked and delighted at the same time. I saw the possibility to walk through a doorway into being someone who I always wanted to be but never had been before: the girl who writes openly about her deepest, most passionate feelings and desires.
I went and sat down in a coffee shop and that poem poured out of me like a flood. It is one of the earliest poems that I posted on this blog. This is it:
Last Encounter, A Poem
There is a place
in a far away dreamtime
where you and I
on Indian Time.
That is, outside of time entirely.
in lucid fantasy.
Desires percolate in rich imagery,
become enunciated in language;
we talk dirty to one another,
in our waiting bodies,
that burn with anticipation…
Then we meet,
in this imaginary place,
this luxurious bedroom
rabid with hunger for each other.
Lips kiss artfully, eyes stare each other down,
tongues go wild,
of one another,
mixing salty skin with saliva,
hard and soft mingling,
becoming wet, messy,
with the juices
of our passion…
In this dreamy realm of sex,
I suck your cock and swallow you whole.
I drink the elixir of your cum
and it fortifies me to fuck you endlessly.
Here you enter me every which way, spit on me, slap me, bite me,
lick gently the hollow of my back,
as you penetrate me from behind,
in and out…
Here all fantasies are fulfilled and still more emerge,
as we each understand perfectly
the humanity of each other,
And so we twist our bodies every which way
moan, scream, pant, speak vulgar poetry to one another…
I eat your ass as you do me, doggy style,
I suck, over and over again your cock, wet
from being inside
the tightness of my asshole;
you reach your fingers up into my pussy,
while you fill me, fuck me,
and make me cum,
again and again,
until we both ejaculate all over each other,
savoring the sweetness of our own nectar,
with our tongues
licking, sucking, kissing, teasing,
So this is dreamtime,
a fleeting dream, real,
imagined, insubstantial, surreal,
an ephemeral imago
of making love to